On Being A Small Group Leader

Root Cause Analysis

It’s good to be back at the keyboard. I’ve been a dry well for the past month, so I decided to take some time off from the blog.

I’ve been trying to evaluate why I’m so dissatisfied with my small group. I’ve made some strategic decisions to try to move our group deeper into its commitment to one another, but that seems to have quickly deflated. But, it seems to go deeper than that for me.

After thinking about it, I think my dissatisfaction is not so much from the leadership standpoint (although I do need to begin the evaluation process), but from the standpoint of a participant. As a member of the group, I’m not happy with the way things are going (which I think puts me in the majority!).

I see our group developing too much of a meeting mentality, and I don’t want to be in a meeting-style small group. I long for more. I long for community. I long for a small group that really does life together, to further overuse the cliché. I don’t like the once-every-two-weeks style of small group, where group interaction is limited (if that) outside of those times.

I’ve experienced community, and it’s hard to be satisfied with less. That “community” group was together a lot. We watched TV together, we played basketball together, we prayed together, we served together … we were part of each other’s lives. I know you can use the excuse of having kids, of being busy, etc., etc. -- but the truth is, we don’t desire that type of community.

If we did, we would adjust.

We would do the busy things together. We would go to the kids games together. We all eat dinner every day -- why can’t we eat it together? We go to the grocery store, we go to church, we go to the movies -- but we never do those things together.

I’m in search of a new paradigm. I’m weary of the standard “Do Announcements, do the ice-breaker, do the study” format.

I don’t care so much what “everyone got for number 3”. I’m much more interested in whether they’re praying, and if so, what about? I’m more interested in what God taught them this week from their personal reading, or from something that happened to them. I’m less interested in what they learned, and more interested in what they’re becoming.

You know what I really want? I want a small group that is socially spiritual.

I want a small group session that is just a group of people hanging out in the living room. We’re all reading the same book (maybe even a book of the Bible?), but when we get together, it’s not to answer a preset curriculum. We’re there to talk about life, and how God is relevant. I want a small group where the television is on. I want a small group that doesn’t have to cancel because the game is on. I want a small group where people are comfortable having side conversations, like you have at a party. I want a small group that is less knowledge-based. I still want knowledge to be a part of it, but not so prominent. I would rather we all just read one verse each week, and really talked about it. I want more of how the verse intersects with life, and far less time sitting around criticizing the author. I want someone to ask about my spiritual life, and be really interested in what I have to say.

I wonder if this is a pipe dream. It seems no one I know wants to have this type of community … or do they? I wonder if many people desire it, but pride and fear keeps us from it.

Are we too proud to admit we need friends? In the men’s leadership group I was in last year, most of us were too proud to admit it. We ridiculed the very idea that we needed friends -- *I* ridiculed it.

I lied.

I do want that. For some reason, I’ve not been able to develop those deep, spiritual, committed friendships I used to have -- and really miss. I have a list of acquaintances, but not that strong friendship where I feel completely comfortable just being friends.

I sometimes envy people who have that “Cheers”-type life -- a place where everybody knows your name. Although I have no desire to hang out in a bar, wouldn’t it be great to have a coffee shop like that where you could hang out with others and just be together? Or, even better, a living room?

That’s what I really want from a small group. But, there’s no way to put that demand on a group. It has to want to do the same thing.

I wonder if it could be intentional -- if a small group could be started and developed just that way. Some people use that model for accountability groups -- but even they are programmed to death. I’m weary of programs and models and formulas. I love teaching, but I want to receive as well as give at a small group meeting.

There has to be a better way -- and I have to find it. I think my spiritual and emotional stability depends on it. I’m tired of all the independence. I’m tired of inconsistent Christians who say they believe in community, but continually make lifestyle choices that deflect it. I’m tired of living a life that only exists at work and within the confines of my family. I love my family, but I want more. I need more.

I’m tired of being around people who hide emotionally, and excuse it by claiming to be “a private person”. A family that spends all of its time defending privacy is a family that lacks emotional stability. There is no intimacy in a home where everyone is determined to protect their privacy -- which is probably a refined way of saying “I don’t want anyone to know what I’m like”.

I’m also tired of being a small group utility … I don’t want to be know for my leadership skills, or for my Bible knowledge, or for being a good facilitator. I want to be a real person in my small group, and not feel like even my self-revelation is just a way to try to get others to provide a little window into their souls.

I think this is why I’ve been a dry well for the past 6 weeks or so. It seems I’ve begun to figure out why -- now I have to start figuring out how to change things.

posted by Matt @ 1:01 PM